In this interview, a long-standing MDU member and GP shares her experience of prolonged stalking by a neighbour. Although the situation remains unresolved, she speaks openly to raise awareness of the early warning signs of stalking, the personal and professional impact it can have, and the importance of supportive colleagues, friends, and organisations such as the MDU.

The stalking began around 15 years ago when our MDU member joined a local book group to connect with like-minded women. A neighbour of a friend joined the group, and over time her behaviour became increasingly unusual and the book group slowly dissolved.

“In retrospect, the book group fell apart because of her behaviour. It was all very odd and very manipulative. None of us really understood what was happening.”

Although they had been acquaintances rather than friends, over the next 10 years our MDU member was asked to many parties by this woman, but something felt odd and she didn’t accept the invitations.

Later, when our member established a large exercise group for local women, the same woman asked to join. Feeling uncomfortable but unable to articulate why, our member reluctantly agreed. Very subtly the stalker started to insert herself into several areas of our member’s life even applying for a job in the department where our member was working at the time. Looking back, she now recognises this as a red flag, particularly as she was asked to help with the application.

“I spent about an hour and a half one evening helping her, even though I didn’t want to. I didn’t recognise at the time what I was seeing… there was a lot of manipulation.”

Escalation and manipulation

The behaviour really escalated after a vitriolic message about the member was shared by the stalker on a group WhatsApp chat; the member hoped that exposing the behaviour so others could no longer ignore it, would bring it to an end. However, when the stalker’s behaviour was challenged albeit indirectly, the situation escalated dramatically.

“Once her behaviour was exposed, she just went all out.”

“The stalker began approaching other members of the group, delivering flowers and presenting herself as a misunderstood victim who “just wanted to be friends.” I was told, ‘You’re strong, you’re senior, you’re confident - she’s vulnerable just accept what she’s doing. But I wasn’t being cruel. I was just saying I don’t want a relationship with this woman.” Others, some of whom had been friends for years, wanted to distance themselves from what was happening; one previously close friend said ’I can see what is happening, but I don’t want to be involved’. People became uncomfortable with me, and that embarrassment added to the bewilderment”.

This is a common tactic used by stalkers to isolate their victim by approaching their family and friends and is sometimes referred to as using “third-party enablers”.

The behaviour became increasingly unsettling. Unwanted gifts were left at the member’s home - this is another tactic stalkers often use to cause fear and anxiety under the illusion of a well-meaning gesture.

“She left flowers and a card on our doorstep, the card read ‘I can't wait to see you’ with a heart in with an arrow and lots of kisses, the kind of thing you might have done when you were 12 or 13. It wasn’t there when my husband came home, but 20 minutes later it was. Another time I noticed someone had left kisses all over the glass of our back door.”

Understanding patterns and taking back control

What followed was a gradual but relentless pattern of unwanted contact, waiting outside the member’s home and following her on exercise tracking apps. Friends of our member tried to intervene and asked the stalker not to follow our member, wait outside her house or give her gifts but this was not successful as she denied anything was happening.

The Susie Lamplugh Trust defines stalking as a pattern of repeated, unwanted behaviour that causes distress or fear. One key indicator is whether the person being stalked has had to make significant changes to their life. Unfortunately, that was the case for our member. She installed floodlights and security cameras and left the exercise group she had established as she did not feel safe.

“As she is a neighbour, I am always alert when I go out as I know where she may be waiting to see me drive by. I do ‘hit and run’ shopping because we use the same supermarket. I came off social media and we even considered moving, and at one point discussed emigrating abroad which shows how serious it was, given our strong family and social ties.”

Despite these attempts by our member to create physical distance the stalker continued to try and create some kind of connection and on one occasion chased her for over 20 minutes when they were both cycling. This interaction was very frightening for our member, however the stalker showed little emotion further unnerving our member. Another time the stalker used her husband to approach the group of women our member was a part of in a local café.

The turning point came when a woman in the group, a family court judge, recognised what was happening and suggested using the Susie Lamplugh Trust online assessment tool.

“She took me for coffee and said, this is stalking…I remember crying because it was all there, focused obsessive and unwanted behaviour causing distress. It validated what I was feeling. When I rang the national stalking helpline, I just started crying. They were absolutely wonderful. They listened, acknowledged it, and gave practical advice such as keeping a log of what has happened. I now have over 150 recorded incidents and even though I may never do anything with this it somehow validates what I have been through. Talking to the National Stalking Helpline was transformational as it gave me understanding and is when I started to regain some control.

Support and advice

Having a good support system is crucial when experiencing any kind of harassment but stalking often evokes unexpected reactions from people and reveals hard truths about relationships. For our member some friends withdrew, even fellow colleagues of several decades showed little empathy for the situation.

“What was so sad was the lack of awareness, the people who don’t want to see what’s happening. Sometimes people can be naïve, they don't want to admit that somebody in their social network is so unusual. It's a bit like domestic violence, people don't believe that domestic violence happens in middle-class, professional families”.

“I’ve lost people, but I’ve found out who my real friends are. My husband has been unbelievable. My children, my siblings - they’ve all said they’ve never seen me like this before, but they’ve been phenomenal.”

As a senior medical professional, the member was acutely aware of the potential professional risks associated with stalking, including vexatious complaints. She informed trusted colleagues privately, contacted the MDU, and ensured the GMC was aware.

“I wanted it documented. If something escalated, there would be a record. That gave me some control. If there’s a vexatious complaint, there’s context.”

She also describes the power of simply being listened to without judgement or preconceived ideas on who can fall victim to stalking.

“I met a new organisational lead who just listened. He didn’t dismiss me or tell me I was being oversensitive. That mattered more than anything…I’m not oversensitive. I’m tough. You don’t get through medicine… by being fragile. I’m generous and that generosity was exploited. As a GP I knew the theory of stalking, but when you are the person who is being stalked that is something completely different.”

Our member is sharing their experience to help raise awareness and bring about prevention by spotting early signs of harassment and stalking. It is their hope others will recognise the signs earlier and those who may know someone who is going through something similar can support and offer practical advice from sources such as the Susie Lamplugh Trust. Our member has continued to excel in their career and maintain an active social life, supported by their family and a close circle of friends. The impact of stalking should never be underestimated; however, life does not have to stand still.

Interview by Rachel Darke.

If you think you are being stalked, call the National Stalking Helpline on 0808 802 0300.